Rule #8: It’s Not About You

Paul Miller, a senior editor at The Verge, famously spent a full year without internet. His experiment was a deliberate step away from constant connectivity, a challenge to understand life’s meaning without the digital noise. Throughout this unusual journey, Miller published reflections that resonated with me quite strongly, since he managed to capture human experiences in raw, honest ways.

In one of these reflections, Miller describes visiting a friend who had recently become a father. Miller asked him about the experience of parenthood, expecting a typical answer about sleep deprivation or newfound responsibilities. Instead, his friend said something unexpected, yet so impactful:

“Before my son was born, I thought this “movie” was about me. Then I realized it’s not my movie anymore—I’m just a character in his story arc.”

The simplicity and power of this statement stayed with my ever after. It described a fundamental shift in perspective—one that didn’t just apply to parenthood, but also applicable in our professional lives. It highlighted a principle that managers often overlook:

It’s not about you.

The Misplaced Hero Complex

Managers frequently fall into the trap of seeing themselves as the central characters of their team’s narrative. We see ourselves at the heart of decisions, at the center of success stories, assuming that our vision, our guidance, and our efforts are the drivers behind team victories.

But consider this: if you, as the leader, are the hero, what does that make your team? Mere supporting actors? Extras in your personal career movie?

This mindset, if let unchecked throughout your career can lead to resentment, diminished motivation, and team disengagement. Over time, the people you lead sense they're merely background characters in someone else’s success story. Their enthusiasm goes down. Their motivation weakens. The team falls apart.

The reality is that leadership is less like starring in your own blockbuster and more like being the wise, encouraging uncle (think Yoda) in someone else’s coming-of-age movie. Your role isn’t to be center stage; it’s to enable others to thrive and to facilitate their story arcs. Your success as a leader is measured by how effectively your team members fulfill their potential—not by how prominently your name features in the credits.

Leadership as a Supporting Role

Imagine the best manager or mentor you’ve ever had. Chances are they weren’t the loudest, most visible person in the room. They probably didn't spend meetings trying to prove how smart or capable they were. Rather, their strength lay in quietly guiding others, creating opportunities, removing obstacles, and genuinely celebrating their team’s successes.

Jim Collins, in "Good to Great," describes this as a concept of "Level 5 Leadership." Level 5 leaders, Collins explains, combine personal humility with intense professional will. They rarely seek the spotlight, instead empowering their teams and quietly orchestrating success behind the scenes. Their primary goal isn't personal recognition, but organizational achievement.

Similarly, Ryan Holiday captures this sentiment in "Ego is the Enemy," observing that true leadership means subduing your ego and directing your energy outward, toward helping others achieve greatness. It’s counterintuitive, yet profoundly powerful: by stepping back, you help others step forward.

Why This Matters to Your Team

When a leader truly internalizes that "it's not about them," something remarkable happens. Teams feel genuinely seen and valued. When people know their success matters, that they aren’t merely supporting characters in someone else’s career advancement, their motivation skyrockets. They begin to innovate, collaborate, and perform at levels previously unreachable.

Research consistently supports this: a 2022 Gallup study found that teams led by managers who prioritize employee development over personal glory consistently report higher engagement, lower turnover, and significantly better overall performance. It turns out, putting others first isn’t just a moral imperative; it’s strategically smart.

A Shift in Perspective: How to Be a Patron

Ryan Holiday, in his book Perennial Seller, introduces a compelling idea about artists and their patrons. He points out that throughout history, many remarkable artists—Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Shakespeare to name a few —had their paths paved by patrons who believed deeply in their potential. These patrons rarely took center stage. Instead, their greatness lay in their ability to create conditions for the artist to shine.

As a manager, your role closely mirrors that of a patron. You’re not there to collect accolades or bath in the spotlight yourself; you're there to enable and amplify the achievements of those around you. Celebrate your team's accomplishments openly and generously, recognizing their contributions clearly and publicly. Allow your colleagues the freedom and autonomy to lead their own initiatives, even if it means embracing mistakes as part of their growth.

By adopting this mindset—embracing your role as a modern-day patron—you empower your team to produce their best work. And in doing so, their successes become your greatest achievements, even if your name isn't the one that appears in lights.

It's a subtle shift, yet transformative.

It’s not about you.